In The Throes of Self-Development…
The dark side of the “hustle” and “grind”…
As I sit here, thinking of all the things I am trying in order to develop myself to be a better, a happier and a stronger version of myself, as well as achieve all my “goals”. It struck me that you’re never ready for how much of an emotional rollercoaster “progress” is… ok, really what I am trying to say is, I was never ready for how absolutely shit trying to improve your life can make you feel. Like… seriously shit!
You’re sold this image of “chasing a dream”, “living with passion”, “achieve financial freedom”, sounds great… sign me up! let the living with passion begin! … not quite…
Maybe I have been living under a rock or I have missed a whole section of the internet, but every time I see anything about self-development, it’s all in hindsight, with images painted of the “grind” and “hustling” in a rose tint. Does anyone tell you how crap it feels along the way? how you mourn lost friends, the friends that you have had to let go because you realised they were holding you back, even though you have built decades of memories together. The loneliness of breaking away from the community you always knew, the community you loved and hated all at the same time. Does anyone tell you the sleepless nights you’ll have because of the self-doubt, wondering whether you are doing the right thing, questioning every step you take forward and fighting the strong urge to run back “home”… “home” doesn’t even feel like home anymore. Caught between where you’re from and where you’re trying to get to, hoping, wishing, that your life doesn’t just get through the gaps or evaporate into the ether.
Let’s not forget what self-development looks like to the people on the outside! “oh… you’re one of those guys…”, “… ok then”, nobody seems to understand you. The best way to describe how self-development comes across to other people when you talk about it is… it’s like taking a selfie, stay with me. When you capture the perfect selfie and post it on Instagram with the perfect filter, the results are stunning. But let me assure you… you looked like a complete narcissistic idiot taking it.
Then there are the constant battles you have with yourself. Telling yourself… screaming at yourself “stop procrastinating!”, “today I am going to start my healthy diet” (for the 50th time), “stop watching so much tv!”, “wake up earlier!”, the list is endless. It starts to feel like a bad marriage with yourself, listening to the voice in your head drone on about what you aren’t doing right and how you would be so much better if you just listened. Maybe that is the perfect analogy, because it is only going to get better when me, myself and I see eye to eye. When we agree on our next steps, support each other and have constructive conversations about moving forward. But that… doesn’t happen often. In fact, you’re constantly at odds with yourself.
I have been trying to improve my life for the past decade. Whether it is through Forex (Foreign Exchange) trading or doing a bunch of online courses to improve my skills to get me to a better job and get out of debt, going to the gym to look and feel better. I tried meditation, taking nootropics(brain enhancing drugs… yep you read that right) and being an “earlier riser” (this is most certainly not my natural disposition). Sounds great right…Well, it feels as though I have moved the equivalent of a whole inch in the last decade. I tried to “improve my life” that many times, you can call me Phil Connors and that chapter of my life “Groundhog Day”.
A little about me, I am in my 30s (never thought I would say that), never married, no kids, a man living in a shared flat in London and working as a contractor. I actually only moved to London approximately a year ago from Birmingham. I also suffer from a rare genetic nerve disease called Hereditary Spastic Paraparesis, which I am told could potentially put me in a wheelchair or at least give me a walking stick and a severe problem with my gait (which has become significantly worse in the last few years). I don’t say this for sympathy, it is what it is. I just mention it to give my frustrations context.
Now, it may sound like I am portraying the image that self-improvement isn’t worth the hassle. Not in the slightest. I have just seen too many “successes” stories, which, give an amazing portrayal of the journey and not much depth on the struggle and how hard it is during the trials and tribulations (I guess self-development courses wouldn’t be very attractive if they did).
I am not going to turn this around and sell self-development in this post. There are enough people out there for that. But I may follow up this post with what’s been useful for me…I may even record my journey here. A record for posterity. Everything that was felt and seen at the time so I too don’t gain rose tint on my memories of the crap that you have to wade through to reach your goals and… maybe the internet can keep me accountable… just maybe.
The main reason for this post is simply to air my frustrations, and if some people feel something akin to the above, I am just here to tell you, you are not alone (but if no one relates, then I’m alone… awkward).
As this is my first post, some people may ask why blogging and not YouTube or Podcasting? I would say a face for radio and a great voice for writing has bought me here… maybe a little harsh on myself…writing just seemed to… feel right.
